Write this
I’m trying to get some folks I know to write some fiction. Many of them are particularly good at puns– so just to make it hard, I’ve also included required lines that are to be followed by a play on words.
ACT ONE: EXPOSITION
Introduce your protagonist, who is at least one of: PURPLE, OBSEQUIOUS, CLAIRVOYANT, ROPY, POINTED-EARED, DISEASED, TRUCULENT, OBLONG, MADE OF ROCK, TRANSGRESSIVE, RADIOACTIVE. Introduce a conflict, involving at least one of: NEGATIVE SPACE WEDGIE, UNREQUITED LUST, ALIEN INVASION, OUTRIGHT THEFT, FEAR OF COMMITMENT, ILL-PREPARED NOODLES, LEGISLATED MEDIEVALISM, POKE IN EYE WITH SHARP STICK.
Setup line for the pun: “I can’t eat raw meat!”
ACT TWO: RISING ACTION
Look at the conflict, revealing complications and details, and developing the protagonist by showing how he reacts to it. The conflict is complicated by at least two of: CRAP PROGRAMMING PRACTICES, SUBSTANCE ABUSE, MALARIAL MOSQUITO RELEASE, LEATHER SHORTAGE, CHAOTIC PHASE TRANSITION WEDGIE, RACISM, SEXISM, BALDISM. In order to establish yourself as an enlightened author, make sure the work passes an extended form of the Bechdel Test by including a CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO WOMEN THAT HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH ANY OF MEN, LOVE, LUST, PREGNANCY, RAPE, OR CHILDREN.
Setup line for the pun: “That’s not a plan! That’s a– a–”
ACT THREE: TURNING POINT
Protagonist actually manages to accomplish something significant towards resolution of the conflict. He does this by use of at least one of: RARE PLANT, ANTIQUE PADDLE WITH HOLES DRILLED IN IT, HIGH EXPLOSIVES, MOTHER’S COPY OF KERNIGHAN AND RICHIE, POSITIVE TIME WEDGIE, VINEGAR, NAPALM ENEMA, LUTEFISK, TREBUCHET.
Setup line for the pun: “I never thought that could fit.”
ACT FOUR: FALLING ACTION
The conflict heats up and has gross effects. If the conflict is a violent one, there will be actual battles. If it’s more psychological or emotional, there will be screaming, angst, arias, tears, and other such things. To keep things interesting, it’s usually a good idea to keep the final outcome in doubt– so for now, allow the protagonist’s foes to rally and/or gain strength from at least one of: REALLY GOOD DRUG CONNECTIONS, AMBIVALENT SPEED WEDGIE, TRICK PHOTOGRAPHY, RACKETEER-INFLUENCED WATER TREATMENT PLANTS, CARNIVOROUS PLANTS, HISTORICAL PRECEDENT, BATS.
Setup line for the pun: “Well, what about the tone?”
ACT FIVE: CLIMAX AND DENOUEMENT
Resolve the conflict– violently or peacefully, as you see fit. Show any survivors standing down. Show them receiving medals, a few moments to expound on their new personal philosophies without interruption or heckling, copious well-brewed tea, and/or a really nice back rub from someone they like. The climactic moment itself should involve at least one of: STUFF BLOWED UP REAL GOOD, POTTED MEAT, TENTACLE RAPE, A SPHERE OF GRITTY PINK POWDER, A SMALL CHILD IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME, TRANSVERSE ACCELERATION WEDGIE, SUFFOCATING FOOLS IN OOBLECK.
Setup line for the pun: “I never dreamed it could be like this.”
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UPDATE 2009 April 24: Victoria Hoke took the bull by the horns, and wrote Mission to Michigan. Best protagonist who might sometimes smell faintly of ethylene glycol I’ve ever seen…