How to generate a random Zielinski-esque quote

Flip a coin to see if you begin with an entry from Column A. Regardless, append an entry each from Columns B through E. (If not starting with a prevarication from Column A, you’ll have to upcase the quote yourself.)


  1. Of course,
  2. Incidentally,
  3. I’ve mentioned this before, but what the hell:
  4. By the way,
  5. To preach to the choir for a bit:
  6. While I’m at it:
  7. Time to take my spleen for a walk:
  8. So anyway:
  9. Now that you mention it:
  10. Apropos of nothing:


  1. as I predicted, the mob is
  2. as I failed to predict, some folks are STILL
  3. any moron can see that we should be
  4. I’m
  5. I have to wonder why I’m
  6. (Pick one from the []’s:) [Mother Z, Father Z, one of my closest friends, one of my cousins] is
  7. (Pick one from the []’s:) the [maggots, zombies, pinheads, jackasses, lunatics] are


  1. gaping in slack-jawed horror because
  2. trying to get it through Ye Olde Thicke Skulle Bitze that
  3. horking up what once was food at the very reminder
  4. shocked! I say, shocked! to learn
  5. stumbling around bonking into the walls as
  6. contemplating jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge because
  7. snarling underbreath at Apollo because
  8. shorting out keyboards left and right with drool because


  1. that one pencil neck—the refugee from the Home For The Irritatingly Disingenuous—
  2. that other bozo—the one who wouldn’t know a fossil from a falsie—
  3. Der Gropeinator
  4. that throwback—the numbskull who thinks Lynda Carter should have lost some weight before going on Wonder Woman
  5. that goober down the block—you know, the dolt who read 1984 and didn’t like it because Smith betrays Julia—
  6. Prime Minister Allawi, AKA “the Shah of Iraq”,
  7. J.-Random-traitor-to-the-Constitution down at Homeland Security
  8. Whatshisname, you know who I mean—the yuppie who’s always ripped out of his mind on cocaine and whores—
  9. President Bush


  1. is failing to pour piss out of a boot, despite the directions on the heel.
  2. is lying like a whole damn CARTLOAD of fine Persian rugs.
  3. is mincing around mewling like a weasel with eight ingrown toenails.
  4. ought to be finely minced and fed to worms—assuming you can find any with standards that low.
  5. needs to be taken out behind the chemical sheds and shot.
  6. can usually manage to find his own ass with no more than one or two false starts—but that’s about it.
  7. started with nothing but a flawed plan—and yet somehow developed it into something jaw-droppingly WORSE.
  8. missed (A) the point, (B) the stuff next to the point, (C) the horse the point rode in on, (D) all the horses the point COULD have ridden in on, and (E) all potentially point-bearing members of the other sixteen perissodactylic species left on the face of the earth.
  9. heroically managed to shift the blame onto an innocent bystander.
  10. desperately needs a blow job. Or possibly a sharp blow to the head. Maybe both.
  11. might need some of them little orange pills labled “SKF T79” .
  12. is nearly enough to make you wish you were looking at a photograph of Ann Coulter in a bikini. Nearly.
  13. set a personal best for Longest Speech Without a Coherent Thought.
  14. is about as smart as the typical saguaro, but not nearly as much fun to fuck.