At least it wasn’t the TV showing Ann Coulter in a bikini
During the storm last night, my stereo was struck by a bolt of lightning. For a few moments, it picked up a broadcast from a hip-hop station in a nearby alternate universe.
John Ashcroft’s the name, and justice is my game
Got some jail cells ready for all those deserving blame.
We’ve got dogs and shotguns and electrodes for your “bits”;
I’m here to protect you from bare naked marble tits.
[A prisoner gets a few notes of “Amazing Grace” out before the power switch is thrown and he fries like a side of bacon.]
Now I go by Rummy, and I ain’t no dummy;
With my war plan goin’ them Baathists call for mummy.
We don’t need many troops, ‘cause our boys are all the best
State fifty-one comin’; them Iraqis sure are blessed.
[Little girl’s voice: “Mom, what does `for the duration’ mean, and who’s that guy standing next to you in that photograph?”]
I’m Big Dick Cheney and I’m here to say
The Democrats can kiss my bootay.
I’m bald and mean and white and phat
With a big Halliburton check to go with all that.
Now, my ticker’s not so hot; that much is true
It’s because my daughter likes girls, and that makes me blue.
Some say I’m a hypocrite, but that nut won’t fit the screw;
Just ‘cause she’s a human being don’t mean others are, too.
Yo. By the way, Leahy: go fuck yourself.
[Muttering: “If I have to sleep with Lynne, I don’t see why Mary can’t take one for the team as well.”]
Well, my name is George, but you can call me double U
I’m a dry drunk rich boy; God tells me what to do.
Got a Stepford wife and and a fresh mandate
Time to clean up the house and bring on the hate.
[Frank Sinatra record scratching: ZOOP ZOOP “Did it my way” ZOOP “My way” ZOOP “Mymymymy My way”]
[A-10 Warthog screeching over Nasiria. Filter, pilot’s voice: “Whoops! That was me; my bad. Sorry, Marines.”]
[Mob beating the crap out of someone with a Middle Eastern accent pleading for mercy. Over it, George is saying, “Need some wood? Do you, punk? Need some wood? Need a little MORE wood?”]
[Everyone, in chorus:]
It’s time to meet the new boss, it’s the same as the old boss
We’re following a prophet, and it’s time for your loss.
We’ve got the Senate and the House, the highest court’s on borrowed time;
If I was you, I wouldn’t think of stepping out of line.