Xxxxx wrote:
\n> Please. [Vampires] prefer to be called \u201cblood lab technicians\u201d.
\n> And anyway they\u2019re only pissed because of the stuff you
\n> write about them.<\/p>\n
Can\u2019t be that. Half the dingbats have forgotten how to read\u2014SHUT UP, GUYS! C\u2019MON, YOU\u2019LL WAKE UP THE NEIGHBORS. AND LOOK, THE SKY IS GETTING LIGHT! SCAT!… FINE! STAY OUT THERE AND TURN TO DUST FOR ALL I CARE! Goddamn telepathic ones are the worst, you spend a week wondering if you\u2019ve lost your mind, every time you walk into a room there\u2019s a door just closing\u2026 What\u2019s even worse is the psychics from the Van Helsing Society have spent so much time in empathic mental contact with them, they do the EXACT SAME THING. So you phone in for an assist; now you\u2019ve got TWO people sneaking around and leaving cryptic notes written in blood in the goddamn vegetable crisper. Then one night you hear a bloodcurdling scream, and you get up out of bed and go and see if it\u2019s a dustpan-and-broom job, or you\u2019ve got another horribly mutilated corpse to try to sneak past the landlord.<\/p>\n
Zombies are all right; they\u2019re unto lilies of the field. They only have two behaviors\u2014wandering around bumping into things, and trying to eat you alive\u2014and they\u2019re good at both of them. You hardly ever hear of a zombie in psychotherapy. You know why psychotherapists work during the day? It\u2019s EVOLUTION. Whenever some fool starts accepting evening appointments, it\u2019s only a matter of time before the cops are standing around in his office scratching their heads and\/or puking in the wastebaskets. And then\u00a0we<\/em>\u00a0have to go steal the case notes out of the evidence lockup\u2014and READ them. Takes about fifteen minutes before you start thinking that if you see one more repetition of the word \u201cspectral\u201d, you\u2019re going to start crying.<\/p>\n Oh, hell, pardon me a moment. WHAT? YOU IDIOT, I\u00a0TOLD<\/em>\u00a0YOU IT WAS TIME TO GO HOME HALF AN HOUR AGO! OH, CHRIST, YOU\u2019RE NOT ANOTHER ONE OF LUCRETIA\u2019S, ARE YOU? LUCRETIA! YOU KNOW, TALL WOMAN, RED EYES, COMMUNICATES ENTIRELY BY TOUCH AND SULTRY GAZE\u2026 YEAH, THAT\u2019S HER.\u00a0THAT\u2019LL<\/em>\u00a0TEACH YOU NOT TO PICK UP STRANGE WOMEN IN DISCOS\u2026 JUST STAY THERE UNDER THE STAIRS, I\u2019LL GET YOU A LIGHTPROOF BLANKET. AND SOME\u00a0PAMPHLETS<\/em>! THAT I WANT YOU TO\u00a0READ<\/em>!<\/p>\n Hang on, I\u2019ll be right back\u2026 Okay, that\u2019s done. I\u2019ll go out and check him later; sometimes you can talk some sense into them if they\u2019re scared enough, and if not, one good yank on the blanket and go fetch the dustpan.<\/p>\n Lucretia\u2026 now THERE\u2019S a major pain in the ass. A millennium and a half if she\u2019s a day. First time my crew and I tracked her down, we managed to get a holy water claymore into place in time. We set it off; she just stood there dripping and looking bewildered. We figured we\u2019d gotten another dud, so we went in with spears. Ten seconds later, the street looked like a wood chipper had exploded\u2014and she was still just standing there looking bewildered. I figured we were all dead anyway, so I yelled for everyone to get clear and nailed her with the sacramental oil LAW. Burned her clothes right off her. Now she looked bewildered and\u00a0embarassed<\/em>. I don\u2019t remember what happened next\u2014but my crew says she walked up to me, huffed, and then slapped me hard enough to break my jaw and give me a concussion severe enough to cause short-term memory loss. Then she covered herself with her hands and marched away with an air of injured dignity.<\/p>\n We keep tabs on her as best we can; she knows us all by sight, now. She won\u2019t have anything to do with\u00a0me<\/em>\u00a0if I\u2019m carrying a LAW, but otherwise she\u2019ll come over and give me a kiss and a hug. She likes to cuddle. Do you have any idea what a fool you feel like sitting in a dance club with a hairline that says you\u2019re about twelve years too old for the place, cuddling with a fifteen hundred year old soulless killer? Particularly since her\u00a0fashion<\/em>\u00a0sense has begun to go\u2014that\u2019s how we know how old she is. So I\u2019m sitting there half-deafened by teenybop techno crap, cuddling with a woman wearing one sneaker, one Rollerblade, pants from a tuxedo, a hawaiian shirt, a feather boa, a Cat-In-The-Hat hat, and a pair of socks on her HANDS. I don\u2019t even have to Jedi Mind Trick anybody. People take one look, dismiss it as performance art, and have forgotten we were even there within five minutes. If I want a drink, I have to steal one from a neighboring table. We don\u2019t even dare trying to\u00a0give<\/em>\u00a0her clothes\u2014if you hand her something, she\u2019ll look at it and set it down, and if you try to undress her manually, you end up like that poor bastard out in my courtyard\u2026<\/p>\n Reminds me, I\u2019d better go check on him\u2026<\/p>\n Idiot. Well, not surprising; you have to be pretty damn stupid not to take one look at Lucretia and know that something is dreadfully wrong about her. I\u2019d better sign off and go find my dustpan.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Xxxxx wrote: > Please. [Vampires] prefer to be called \u201cblood lab technicians\u201d. > And anyway they\u2019re only pissed because of the stuff you > write about them. Can\u2019t be that. Half the dingbats have forgotten how to read\u2014SHUT UP, GUYS! C\u2019MON, YOU\u2019LL WAKE UP THE NEIGHBORS. AND LOOK, THE SKY IS GETTING LIGHT! SCAT!… FINE! […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[5],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/stephan-zielinski.com\/dwa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/247"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/stephan-zielinski.com\/dwa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/stephan-zielinski.com\/dwa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stephan-zielinski.com\/dwa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stephan-zielinski.com\/dwa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=247"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/stephan-zielinski.com\/dwa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/247\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":249,"href":"http:\/\/stephan-zielinski.com\/dwa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/247\/revisions\/249"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/stephan-zielinski.com\/dwa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=247"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stephan-zielinski.com\/dwa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=247"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/stephan-zielinski.com\/dwa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=247"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}